Anne and Ratboy:

A story of Love and Humiliation

The following is a true story:

Ratboy appeared at camp Johnsonburg as a loner. Between 6th and 7th grade he had few friends.  Most of whom were pity friends and we all know that pity friends are all savior-complex laden narcissists. In ratty old JNCO’s that he received two christmases ago before and a pair of dirty Airwalks. Ratboy tried his best to be cool to his new camp friends.  Sometimes a little bit too hard.

On Thursday dinner, Sarah from Indian Hollow 4 came up to Ratboy at Dinner with a a note. He put it in his pocket. Nobody noticed. Ratboy held the note, folded like a paper desktop footbal, into the the still oversized tiny pocket above the gigantic main pocket on his Jncos. He would read it when the unit returned to their tents.

What could it possibly be? His heart pounded.  As the final song after dinner ended and his counselors rounded up his unit he walked back to the camp site. He felt like he was floating.

When they were back at the site Ratboy rushed to his tent.  He unfolded the note for what felt like a thousand lifetimes.  When the paper was fully exposed he read it. There were only two sentences:

“Anne wants to see you. Meet at the bathhouse at midnight”

Anne! From Indian Hollow 4? She was GORGEOUS. From somewhere in North Jersey, where all the rich girls lived.  They said she was an actress with a professional trainer in New York. 

Deep down Ratboy always knew he had this in him. He had been mocked and made fun of for so many years. THIS was his chance! He pulled aside his new friend Tucker to tell him the news. Tucker agreed to be the lookout to make sure if any counselors or directors came by he could notify Ratboy, and his new lover Anne, at the bathhouse. After all his parents would kill him if they found out he was sneaking out to make out with girls!

Ratboy and Tucker went down to the bathhouse under the cover of silent darkness.  The moon was bright enough to light the rocky path to the bathhouse. They walked carefully, but with purpose.

They approached the bathhouse. Tucker looked at his Shark watch. It was 12:01. They were a minute late but they would be there soon.  As they approached the bathhouse there was no sign of the IH4 girls. So they waited in the spot next to the bathhouse. Where if they saw a flashlight coming they could duck behind.

Suddenly from the darkness atop the hill next to the bathhouse they heard a voice. It was a female voice. It was quiet but after a moment they both recognized it as Anne.

”Rat……boyyyy…………”

”Rattttttt……….boyyyyyyyyyy………”

”Did you really think I was going to meet you to make out!?” And suddenly like lightning bolts from the hill 5 flashlight beams hit Ratboy, leaning next to the bathhouse from the cliff above. A chorus of laughter erupted.  It was the loudest laughter anyone had ever heard.

So Tucker and Ratboy walked back to their camp site. Ratboy was devastated. Tucker attempted to comfort his friend. They had one thing they definitely could agree on. “Fuck Anne Hathaway”.

Tucker Brennan

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